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There are 4 different attachment styles, divided into two groups: Secure and Insecure (Anxious, Dismissive-Avoidant, Fearful-Avoidant)

What are the Attachment Styles?

Secure Attachment

This style typically reflects a child who felt safe and secure because their parents were consistently available and responsive to their needs. As adults, their relationships are stable and built upon foundational values such as trust, honesty, dependability, and autonomy.

This style typically reflects a child who felt safe and secure because their parents were consistently available and responsive to their needs. As adults, their relationships are stable and built upon foundational values such as trust, honesty, dependability, and autonomy.

Secure Attachment

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Thrives within meaningful relationships

Comfortable with closeness and intimacy

Trust partners with ease

Doesn't need reassurance to feel worthy of love (while still wanting expression of intimacy)

Aware of their emotions and emotional needs (feels comfortable to experience and express them)

Doesn't tend to go to extremes

Tends to have a positive view of their childhood

Comfortable with intimacy and connects easily with others

Finds it easy to trust their partners

Doesn't feel the need to be jealous or doubt their loved ones' intentions

“Hey, I need your help” 

“Real love can be scary but it’s worth it.”

“I like them and I hope they like me too. But if not, that’s OK too.”


“I’ll be there for them and I know they’ll be there for me too.”


“You’re going out with your friends? Cool, have a great night!”


“I feel XXXX so, I think I need YYYY right now.”


“Things are feeling difficult with our relationship right now but I know it’ll work it out.”

They grow up with parents who are primarily consistent, predictable, and responsive to their needs.

These children grow into adults who typically desire deep connections and thrive within healthy relationships.
However, they are not overly dependent on their partners or have fears of being alone.

Generally, their relationships are stable, secure, predictable, and built upon foundational values such as trust, honesty, reliability, emotional availability, dependability, and autonomy.

safe (physically & emotionally)
accepted and understood for who they are
comforted and reassured when they feel stressed
supported to explore their world

Typically, Secure Attachment Style is formed when a child feels:

the signs

what does it sound like?

how does it develop?

They grow up with parents who are primarily consistent, predictable, and responsive to their needs.

These children grow into adults who typically desire deep connections and thrive within healthy relationships. However, they are not overly dependent on their partners or have fears of being alone.

Generally, their relationships are stable, secure, predictable, and built upon foundational values such as trust, honesty, reliability, emotional availability, dependability, and autonomy.

safe (physically & emotionally)
accepted and understood for who they are
comforted and reassured when they feel stressed
supported to explore their world

Typically, Secure Attachment Style is formed when a child feels:

how does it develop?

“I’ll be there for them and I know they’ll be there for me too.”

“I like them and I hope they like me too. But if not, that’s OK too.”

“Real love can be scary but it’s worth it.”

what does it sound like?

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Thrives within meaningful relationships

Comfortable with closeness and intimacy

Trust partners with ease

Aware of their emotions and emotional needs (feels comfortable to experience and express them)

Tends to have a positive view of their childhood

the signs

HIDE

Anxious Attachment Style

This style typically reflects a child who grew up with an inconsistent or unpredictable parenting style and, as a result, developed anxious habits as a way to get their needs met. As adults, they repeat similar patterns in hopes that their partner will fulfill their unmet childhood needs.

Anxious Attachment Style

This style typically reflects a child who grew up with an inconsistent or unpredictable parenting style and, as a result, developed anxious habits as a way to get their needs met. As adults, they repeat similar patterns in hopes that their partner will fulfill their unmet childhood needs.

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the signs

Wanting frequent reassurance from their partner
(e.g., "I love you" "I won't leave you")

Strongly crave closeness and intimacy

Often worrying that their partner will leave

Low sense of self-worth

Very sensitive to partner's moods and needs

Worrying about being too much or not enough in the relationship

Quickly jumps to conclusions about their partner being disinterested or not loving them anymore

Often sacrifices their own needs and wants to make their partner happy

Gets jealous easily

Gets overly consumed or obsessed with their partner

what does it sound like?

"They are going to leave me."

"They are losing interest."

"Why am I so needy, and they aren't? What's wrong with me?"


"Why are they pulling away? Did I do something wrong...?"


"Why don't they want the same amount of love & affection as me?"


"Do they really care about me the way they say they do?"

how does it develop?

Anxious Attachment is often associated with an inconsistent parenting pattern. Sometimes, the parents were attuned and supportive, while other times, they were unavailable. This type of uncertainty was confusing and difficult for the child to process, leading them to wonder: "Will they be there for me? Can I depend on them? Will I be OK? Did I do something wrong?"

To cope with the unpredictability, they developed anxiously attached habits to get their emotional needs met.

Then, they repeat the same patterns in their adult relationships, hoping to fill the void that wasn't filled in their childhood. The partners' positive actions may help but only temporarily -- hence the reason why they repeat the behaviors, again and again, desperately trying to fill a bottomless pit. 

"I have a hard time trusting them, even though they've given me NO reason to feel that way."

"They don't like me as much anymore. I knew it!"

the signs

the signs

the signs

what does it sound like?

what does it sound like?

what does it sound like?

how does it develop?

how does it develop?

how does it develop?

Anxious Attachment is often associated with an inconsistent parenting pattern. Sometimes, the parents were attuned and supportive, while other times, they were unavailable. This type of uncertainty was confusing and difficult for the child to process, leading them to wonder: "Will they be there for me? Can I depend on them? Will I be OK? Did I do something wrong?"

To cope with the unpredictability, they developed anxiously attached habits to get their emotional needs met.

Then, they repeat the same patterns in their adult relationships, hoping to fill the void that wasn't filled in their childhood. The partners' positive actions may help but only temporarily -- hence the reason why they repeat the behaviors, again and again, desperately trying to fill a bottomless pit. 

how does it develop?

"Do they really care about me the way they say they do?"

"Why am I so needy, and they aren't? What's wrong with me?"

"They are going to leave me."

what does it sound like?

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Wanting frequent reassurance from their partner
(e.g., "I love you" "I won't leave you")

Often worrying that their partner will leave

Low sense of self-worth

Worrying about being too much or not enough in the relationship

Gets overly consumed or obsessed with their partner

the signs

HIDE

Dismissive-Avoidant Style

This style typically reflects a child who grew up with distant or neglectful parents, leaving them feeling rejected and unwanted. As a result, they learned to stop seeking love to avoid the pain of rejection. As adults, they withdraw from signs of intimacy to avoid experiencing the same pain.

Dismissive-Avoidant Style

This style typically reflects a child who grew up with distant or neglectful parents, leaving them feeling rejected and unwanted. As a result, they learned to stop seeking love to avoid the pain of rejection. As adults, they withdraw from signs of intimacy to avoid experiencing the same pain.

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the signs

Fiercely independent and self-sufficient

Feels uncomfortable with closeness and deep connection

Feels uncomfortable talking about emotions

Often suppress difficult emotions or memories

Tend to shut down when things get "deep" and personal

Tend to withdraw, retreat and try to cope with problems on their own

Deny their vulnerability and need for connection

Fears commitment

When they seek help from their partner, they do it indirectly: hinting, sulking, complaining.

what does it sound like?

how does it develop?

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment is usually associated with children who grew up with distant, emotionally removed parents who were often misattuned to the child's needs, which left them feeling rejected and unwanted.

Although their parents may have provided basic needs (food or shelter), it is the inconsistent emotional connection that causes this attachment style.

This child's primary caregiver(s) could have been more focused on their inner storms and may not be healed from their past, which causes a disconnect from their child's needs. This inability to provide emotional nourishment causes a child to deal with their neglect by acting like they don't have any needs.

As a result, this child feels disconnected from their wants and needs and feels guilty about having any.

"I don't need anyone."

"I can't depend on people."

"This is getting serious...uh-oh. I don't know how I feel about that."


"You've got to protect yourself. You're going to get hurt."


"Don't get too close - you'll be hurt or disappointed.

"I don't understand why they want so much from me. I don't know if I can give them what they need from me."

"I don't know what I'm feeling, let alone talk about it! It's easier just not to talk."

“What if they find out the "real" me? If they do, they aren't going to love me."

the signs

the signs

the signs

what does it sound like?

what does it sound like?

what does it sound like?

how does it develop?

how does it develop?

how does it develop?

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the signs

Fiercely independent and self-sufficient

Feels uncomfortable with closeness and deep connection

Feels uncomfortable talking about emotions

Tend to withdraw, retreat and try to cope with problems on their own

Fears commitment

what does it sound like?

how does it develop?

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment is usually associated with children who grew up with distant, emotionally removed parents who were often misattuned to the child's needs, which left them feeling rejected and unwanted.

Although their parents may have provided basic needs (food or shelter), it is the inconsistent emotional connection that causes this attachment style.

This child's primary caregiver(s) could have been more focused on their inner storms and may not be healed from their past, which causes a disconnect from their child's needs. This inability to provide emotional nourishment causes a child to deal with their neglect by acting like they don't have any needs.

As a result, this child feels disconnected from their wants and needs and feels guilty about having any.

"I don't need anyone."

"I can't depend on people."

"Don't get too close - you'll be hurt or disappointed.

HIDE

Fearful-Avoidant Style

This style typically reflects a child who grew up with unpredictable and unreliable parents and, as a result, learned to fear them instead of seeing them as a source of safety. As adults, they want love but fear it at the same time. 

Fearful-Avoidant Style

This style typically reflects a child who grew up with unpredictable and unreliable parents and, as a result, learned to fear them instead of seeing them as a source of safety. As adults, they want love but fear it at the same time. 

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the signs

Wanting love and intimacy but also fearing it

Shows both anxious and avoidant tendencies

Showing instability and storminess in their relationships

Having trouble believing that their partner will love and support them as they are

Fearing getting hurt by those they love

Shows both dismissive and clingy/demanding behaviors in the same relationship

Difficulty in going to partners for support or soothing because they fear rejection

Having a negative view of both themselves and others

Believing there is something inherently wrong with them

what does it sound like?

“I want love but when I get it, I want to run away.”


“I really want their comfort but I’m not going to ask for it.”


“If I’m vulnerable with them, they’ll have ‘power’ over me.”


“I don’t know why but when things are going good, I cause trouble.”

“Can I really believe that they love me? Only time will tell.”


“Please come here!” / “Go away!”


“When they see the ‘real’ me, they aren’t going to love me anymore.”

how does it develop?

Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Style is often associated with unpredictable and unreliable parenting styles. In such an uncertain environment, the child learns to FEAR their parents instead of seeing them as a source of safety, leading them to fear love and intimate connections.

When parents are inconsistent in their behavior, the child learns to fear for their safety because they have no idea what to expect from their parents. They don't know if their parents will meet their needs.

They think:
"Are they going to be angry or nice today?"
"Can I rely on them or not?"

What makes this attachment style difficult for an adult is that they WANT intimacy, but they fear it simultaneously. They have STRONG fears of getting hurt by their partners and are silently waiting for them to be unpredictable and unreliable, just like their parents were.

They begin to internalize:
"Maybe I can't rely on them."
"Maybe it's better if I take care of myself."

the signs

the signs

the signs

what does it sound like?

what does it sound like?

what does it sound like?

how does it develop?

how does it develop?

how does it develop?

Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Style is often associated with unpredictable and unreliable parenting styles. In such an uncertain environment, the child learns to FEAR their parents instead of seeing them as a source of safety, leading them to fear love and intimate connections.

When parents are inconsistent in their behavior, the child learns to fear for their safety because they have no idea what to expect from their parents. They don't know if their parents will meet their needs.

They think:
"Are they going to be angry or nice today?"
"Can I rely on them or not?"

They begin to internalize:
"Maybe I can't rely on them."
"Maybe it's better if I take care of myself."

What makes this attachment style difficult for an adult is that they WANT intimacy, but they fear it simultaneously. They have STRONG fears of getting hurt by their partners and are silently waiting for them to be unpredictable and unreliable, just like their parents were.

how does it develop?

“Please come here!” / “Go away!”

“I don’t know why but when things are going good, I cause trouble.”

“I want love but when I get it, I want to run away.”

what does it sound like?

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Wanting love and intimacy but also fearing it

Shows both anxious and avoidant tendencies

Showing instability and storminess in their relationships

Having trouble believing that their partner will love and support them as they are

Having a negative view of both themselves and others

the signs

HIDE

What is

What is
Attachment
Theory?

The term 'attachment' defines our deep emotional bond with other people. Attachment Theory is a concept in developmental psychology that explains how the childhood bond you form with your primary caregiver(s) builds the framework for your adult romantic relationships. 

The attachment style you develop is primarily determined by how available and responsive your parents were to your physical and emotional needs. It largely impacts who you choose as partners, the kind of challenges you experience, and how you show up in adult relationships.

take our free quiz to
find out your attachment style!

Attachment Theory?